WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR!
==============================

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,

"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me."

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
=======================

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
   
   "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
   
   "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
   
   "You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
   
   "You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
   
   
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
   
   "What?"
   
   "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
   
   "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
   
   Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
   
   "WHAT?"
   
   "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
   
   "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
   
   Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
   
   "WHAT!"
   
   "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
   
   
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
   
   The boy thought it over and said,"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
   
   
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
   
   The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
   
   A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
   
   
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
   
   The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
   
   
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
   
   She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
   
   I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
   
   "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
   
   
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
   
   His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
   
   The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
   
   "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
   
   "Yes," he answered.
   
   Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
   
   The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
   
   The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
   
   After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
   
   
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"
   
   One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
   
   The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
   
   
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
   
   Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
   
   The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
   
   She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
   
   
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
    
    Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
    
    The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
    
    
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
    eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
    
    She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

NEW RULES FOR LIFE
================

1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
   
   
2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
   
   
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
   
   
4. There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
   
   
5. Life is sexually transmitted.
   
   
6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
   
   
7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
   
   
8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
   
   
9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
   
   
10. Get the last word in: Apologize.
    
    
11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
    
    
12. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
    
    
13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
    
    
14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
    
    
15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
    
    
16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    
    
17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
    
    
18. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    
    
19. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
    
    
20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    

ALL GROWN UP
===========

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran or hot rice cereal.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
10. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
11. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

KID'S ADVICE TO KIDS
================

1. "Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
2. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, age 9
3. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." Michael, age 14
4. "Stay away from prunes." Randy, age 9
5. "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, age 10
6. "When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia, age 11
7. "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, age 14
8. "A puppy always has bad breath -- even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, age 9
9. "Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, age 9
10. "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, age 9
11. "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, age 11
12. "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, age 15
13. "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, age 9
14. "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel, age 10
15. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, age 13
16. "Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, age 10

THINGS KIDS SAY
=============

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then...
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
--Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
--Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10

26 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE AN ADULT
==============================

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
   
   
2. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
   
   
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
   
   
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
   
   
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
   
   
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
   
   
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
   
   
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
   
   
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
   
   
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
    
    
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    
    
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    
    
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
    
    
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
    
    
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    
    
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
    
    
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    
    
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
    
    
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
    
    
20. A $5 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
    
    
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
    
    
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Coke & Ding Dongs.
    
    
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    
    
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    
    
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
    
    
26. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you

As I've Matured...
==============

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
............All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others...
............They are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.