• Holiday Season May Cause Parental Stress
  
  
• Parents´ Survival Tips
  
  
• Praise Helps Kids With Schoolwork
  
  
• Glossary of Terms
  
  
• 1-2-3 Magic Stop Behaviors
  
  
• Choices And Consequences
  
  
• Effective Ways to Discipline School-Age Children
  
  
• Tips For Shopping With Children
  
  
• 12 Alternatives to Lashing Out At Your Child
  
  

December 1, 2001 - The holiday season is here! People are rushing to finish shopping, cooking, cleaning and decorating. Our calendars are full of social events, and sometimes we try to do too much. A poll in a recent issue of Parenting Magazine found that “more than a quarter of the population views Christmas and Hanukkah as stressful.” Over-extending ourselves causes stress, and stress can increase the risk that we will abuse our children.

When holiday stress is added to everyday stress, it’s easy to take it out on your kids. Abuse takes many forms, and its effects can last a lifetime. Harsh physical punishment, constant criticism and belittling, neglecting children’s basic needs, even isolated incidences of rejection or humiliation can damage a child. Keep in mind that holiday excitement can be stressful for kids as well as parents.

Put the following “Holiday Stress Prevention Tips” into action to make the holiday season more enjoyable for the entire family.

• KEEP KIDS ON SCHEDULE: Meals, naps, and bedtime should occur at approximately the same time each day. Well-fed and rested children are more pleasant and cooperative than hungry, tired kids. Schedule shopping trips and outings for the time of day that you and your children feel the most energetic. Bring snacks to eat while you’re away from home, as well as a bag of tricks -- include coloring books, storybooks, playdough, puzzles, and their favorite videotape.
  
  
• INVOLVE YOUR CHILD IN HOLIDAY PREPARATIONS: Encourage your children to help with shopping, baking, and gift-wrapping. At the store, discuss colors and shapes, or play guessing games. Let your kids pour and stir ingredients for cookies, make holiday cards, and put bows on presents. Kids feel important when adults encourage them to help. As kids help with holiday activities, they learn how to carry on family traditions.
  
  
• RESIST FEELING GUILTY: The holiday season is a difficult time financially for many parents. Parents have to keep up with monthly bills and buy holiday gifts. Try not to feel guilty if you are unable to meet the commercial demands of the holidays. Spending beyond your means will only increase stress when the credit card bills come in, so keep in mind that great gifts don’t have to be expensive. Take advantage of free events like the school pageant or church holiday party.
  
  
• SHARE YOURSELF WITH YOUR KIDS: You may not be able to give your kids all the material things they want, but you can give of yourself. Plan a special activity for just you and your children. Go on an indoor picnic. Make cookies or paper ornaments. If you have more than one child, set aside a special time to spend with each one.
  
  
• SET RULES AND STICK TO THEM: Discuss rules with your children and seek their input. Keep rules simple and few in number, and post them in a prominent place (like the refrigerator). Share with children the positive consequences for following rules and the negative consequences for breaking them. Be consistent in applying your rules for acceptable behavior. Children, like adults, respond best to praise, positive reinforcement, and rewards. Rewards may be tangible (stickers, trip to a restaurant) or intangible (extra playtime).
  
  
• PREPARING FOR NEW EXPERIENCES: The holidays are a time of fun events and new experiences. Children may feel stress during new activities and may express their fears through anger or misbehavior. Talk with your children beforehand about visiting Santa, attending a party, relatives coming to visit, or participating in the school play. Ask them how they feel about different activities, and answer any questions they have.
  
  
• REINFORCE GOOD BEHAVIOR: Praise encourages healthy self-esteem. Children need praise to learn appropriate behavior, so “catch” your children being good as often as possible. Reward good behavior by giving special privileges such as having a friend over for a play date. Give verbal praise, hugs, and lots of kisses. You can also give material rewards like stickers, gum, and toys to reinforce good behavior.
  
  
• KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM YOUR CHILD: Learn about child development--what children are typically capable of at each stage of growth--so that your expectations for behavior are suitable. Unrealistic expectations cause stress for both you and your children and may damage your relationship. Read books on parenting and child development, talk to other parents and your doctor, and take a parenting class. It’s comforting to know that other parents experience similar difficulties with potty training, teaching the concept of sharing, dealing with teenage mood swings, and many other aspects of child-rearing.
  
  
• WHEN YOU FEEL STRESSED, TAKE TIME OUT: Put the child in a safe place such as the crib, playpen, or a childproof room. Count to ten. Take deep breaths. Think about the causes of your anger. Direct your anger at something other than your child. You can hit a pillow, take a shower, exercise, or call a friend. Ask a neighbor or relative to baby-sit.
  
  
• TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Pay attention to your own needs. Everyone functions better with adequate sleep, food, and recreation. Take the time to do something just for you: take a walk or a nap, listen to music, get a massage, take a class, or join a gym.

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Call Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina if you need to talk about holiday stress, would like FREE parenting information, are concerned about a child, or would like to get involved in child abuse prevention in your community. 1-800-CHILDREN.

PARENTS´ SURVIVAL TIPS
From: http://www.preventchildabusenc.org/

Welcome to the world of parenthood!

Why didn't people tell you there would be days when you would feel:

• old before your time
• tired before 11 AM
• too upset to think straight

Would you have believed them if they had?

Parenting is challenging for everyone, and we all need information and support during each stage of a child's growth to do the best job we can. So take a few minutes and read about how to make the rewards of parenting equal to the demands.

Birth to One Year

Learn the basics. How do you bathe a baby? Change a diaper? You can learn. Read, ask your doctor or another expert, talk to your parents and other parents.

Love your baby. Give all you've got! Talk to your baby, touch, hold, hug, kiss, smile, and enjoy! It's impossible to spoil a baby! A baby is a tiny work in progress, and it's important that your baby's early experiences are as positive as you can make them.

Discover what's what. Pay close attention to all the sounds (cooing, babbling, gurgling, and crying) that your baby makes, as well as facial expressions and body movements. Each one means something different. This is how your baby talks to you.

Always handle your baby with love and gentleness. The pressures of parenting are tremendous. It's difficult to feel patient and loving when the baby wakes you up for the third time in one night, and you have to go to work the next day. All parents need ways to relax. Don't take out your stress on your baby. Your baby is too little to understand your needs.

Toddlerhood

Take a deep breath. The assault on your house, your personal belongings . . . this, too, shall pass. Everything is new and exciting to your toddler, and your toddler needs to explore to learn.

Childproof your house. Pack away your treasures, and lock up any dangerous or poisonous items. You'll breathe a lot easier and you won't have to say "NO" as often.

Keep the rules simple and few. Kids this age can't grasp complicated rules. Your goal is to keep your toddler safe. Table manners and potty training can wait!

School Age

Show your interest. Check homework, talk about what's happening at school, let your child have friends over, and visit your child's teacher.

Talk and listen to your child.

Let kids help with age-appropriate tasks and chores.

Adolescence

Refuse to get confused. Part of growing up is acting like a two-year-old and an adult all in the same afternoon. Expect your teen to do this, and be prepared to comfort, reassure, and on occasion, look the other way.

Face the facts. Your teen will probably say "I know that" when you talk about the facts of life, but do it anyway. As the parent, you're the only one who can share the values that go with the facts.

Let your affection show. Cool the physical demonstration (especially in front of their friends), but make it loud and clear through your words and your actions that you care.

Cut those apron strings. Values that are taught from the cradle may fade away during the teen years, but they'll come back--along with grown-up children you'll be proud to know. Trust your teen to make it all the way.

Discipline

Children need discipline. Effective discipline teaches children how to avoid repeating misbehaviors and what to do instead. Spanking is physical punishment, not discipline. There are many positive forms of discipline that are more effective than spanking. A few examples of positive discipline are: using time out, establishing rules and consequences for behavior, redirecting inappropriate behavior, ignoring annoying behaviors that are not harmful to the child or others, taking away privileges, and catching your child being good whenever possible.

Discipline techniques should be appropriate to the age of the child. See the parenting section of your local book store or public library for information on child development and age-appropriate positive discipline technqiues.

Babies are never candidates for discipline or physical punishment. They're too little to understand and follow rules. They are also easily injured; never shake or hit a baby.

Like adults, children respond better to approval and affection than they do to punishment.

Children depend on you to provide structure: regular meal times, play times, and bedtimes.

Examine your expectations for your kids. There are no perfect children, just as there are no perfect parents. Parents commonly have expectations for children that are beyond their capabilities at that age. If your children consistently fail to meet your expectations, the expectations probably need changing, not the children.

Shame, rejection, withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another are inappropriate and ineffective ways to discipline.

Learn more about effective discipline...

If you need help . . .

Asking for help is a sign of strength. Call Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina at 1-800-CHILDREN if you feel overwhelmed. We'll put you in touch with someone who can offer support and help. Or contact your:

• Family Physician or Pediatrician
• Mental Health Center
• Health Department

If you know a parent in need . . .

• Give him or her a break. Offer to take care of the kids for a while.
• Be a good listener. Make yourself available to listen without judging.
• Encourage the parent to join a parenting support group to receive support and information. Give the parent our number to call for a referral.

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PRAISE HELPS KIDS WITH SCHOOLWORK
NCCU study

More praise from parents and teachers would mo­tivate children to complete school assignments more regularly, according to a recent study by a group of N.C. Central University graduate students.

About 40 students from the university's School of Education spent four months interviewing 1,063 chil­dren from the Piedmont region. They found children by far preferred verbal recognition to tangible rewards.

"That was unexpected," said Professor Pamela Gale George, who guided the study. "The most pro­vocative piece of this was that these kids are yearning for acknowledgment."

The researchers asked children ages 8 to 17 about the rewards they receive at home and at school for completing their class assignments and homework, as well as the kinds of rewards they would like if they had a choice.

They say their findings call for parents and teach­ers to better monitor whether work gets done; and to affirm its role in getting a good education.

For the questions about home, 60 percent of stu­dents said they received no rewards. Twenty percent said they were allowed play time, and 15 percent said they got regular praise from a parent. Fifty-nine per­cent said they primarily want praise from a parent.

These figures include younger children, although their second preference was for something more tan­gible, such as a snack.

With regard to school, 40 percent of the children reported they received no rewards. Fifteen percent re­ported getting teacher praise, 19 percent cited better grades and 9 percent received free time. Eighty-three percent of the children said they most valued public praise, particularly at the middle and high school level.

The study noted that many of the graduate stu­dents were surprised the children rarely saw a connec­tion between turning work in on time and earning good grades.

Professor George said schools such as Durham's Carrington Middle and Southwest Elementary, which post impressive test scores on large boards in the halls, make the connection more clear and help children feel valuable in the meantime.

Children may fail one test then make it on the board for their performance on another, so recognition isn't solely reserved for honor-roll students.

"It pays big dividends," said former Carrington Principal Nancy Hester, who helped come up with the idea. "But I'm not surprised. I like to be highlighted, and if it works for adults, it should work for children."

The study also found that girls are more likely mo­tivated by rewards involving social activities, while boys prefer independent library visits and computer time.

The researchers interviewed about the same num­ber of black and white students.

Spotlight on Education, Fall 1998
-Robin L. Reale, The Herald-Sun

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

GUIDING BEHAVIOR - he act of managing or directing another's course in reference to the personal conduct.

BEHAVE - To conduct oneself in a particular manner & esp. In a proper way

BEHAVIOR - Way of behaving, esp. Personal conduct.

CONSEQUENCES - Result; outcome

DISCIPLINE - To train or develop by instruction and exercise. Especially in self-control (punishment); training that corrects, molds, or perfects.

PUNISH - To impose a penalty for a fault or crime;

REVENGE - An act or instance of retaliation to get even; an opportunity for getting satisfaction.

SELF- CONCEPT - Personal interest in one's self

SPANK - To hit on the buttocks with the open hand. Spanking - brisk, lively

ULTIMATUM - A final condition or demand whose result will bring about a resort to forceful action.

1-2-3 MAGIC STOP BEHAVIORS

1-2-3 counting technique is deceptively simple but it works if you follow the No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules.

When a Stop behavior occurs say "That's 1" and hold up 1 finger. When he doesn't stop hold up 2 fingers and say "That's 2."

After a few more seconds you hold up 3 fingers and say "That's 3, take 5." He blew it ; you put him in a time out in his room (one minute for each year of the child's age.)

When the period is over you say nothing about the previous behavior. You remain quiet. If the child does something else, begin counting again.

Behaviors don't have to be the same. Any "offense" can be counted since children should have been explained before hand what behaviors are unacceptable. After awhile you will have control of the child after counting to 1 or 2.

If the behavior is so bad that it would be ridiculous to count 1, go straight to 3 and add more time for the seriousness of the offense (like hitting a parent).

Time between counts should be enough so the kid can shape up (about 3-5 seconds).

20 or 30 minute rule-the three counts should not exceed 20-30 minutes in total time so that parents don't lose their effectiveness with children forgetting.

When you use the bedroom as a time out space it does not have to be a sterile environment but three things are forbidden: the telephone, friends and TV/Nintendo and computer games.

When children say they don't care if they go to their room then that usually means they do care. The power is in the interruption of the child's activities.

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CHOICES AND CONSEQUENCES

Providing children choices for their behavior and consequences for those choices is an excellent technique to help children manage their own behavior. When using choices and consequences, first state the options children have and then the consequences for each of those options. Some examples are:

• "Children, you can either choose to play nicely together and share your toys, or you may choose to fight. If you choose to fight, both of you will have to take a quiet time-­out.

• "Mary, I expect you to use good table manners to eat your dinner at the table. IF you continue to act silly, you will have to leave the table. It's your choice."

Some important points to remember when using choices and consequences:

• Never use threats as choices. (Example - "If you don't leave your sister alone, I'm gonna break your neck!") Parents either can't carry threats through or don't want to.
  
• Never give ultimatums as choices. (Example - "I'll never talk to you again if you don't shut up!") Ultimatums can rarely be carried through and soon children learn your words are hot air.
  
• Never give choices when there aren't any. (Example- "Son, would you like to get your coat on now. We have to go!") If the child answers "no," but he really has to get his coat on anyway, he never really had a choice.  

Consequences must be related to the behavior
you wish to increase or decrease.

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EFFECTIVE WAYS TO DISCIPLINE SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

Discipline is:
Helping a child to get along with family, adults and friends.
Teaching a child to behave in an agreeable way.
Helping a child learn to control behavior.
Effective discipline is helping, teaching, and learning.

• Fix-up. When children cause trouble or hurt another child, expect them to fix it up or at least try to help. If they break a toy, ask them to help you fix it. If they throw toys around the room; ask them to put them away.
  
• Ignore. The best way to deal with misbehavior aimed at getting your attention is to simply ignore it. But be sure to give attention to your children when they behave well. Children need attention for good behavior, not misbehavior.
  
• Be Firm. Clearly and firmly state, or even demand, that the child do what needs to be done. Do not use a wishy-washy tone of voice. Speak in a tone that lets your child know that you mean what you say and that you expect the child to do it. Being firm doesn't mean yelling, threatening, resigning, or taking away privileges. Being firm works for any age child and for many situations.
  
• Stay in Control. Act before the situation gets out of control, before you get angry and overly frustrated and before the child's behavior becomes unreasonable.
  
• Separation. When children irritate one another, fight, squabble, hit or kick, have them rest or play apart for a time. Being apart for a while lets each calm down. Then you can use other ways to encourage better behavior.
  
• Behavior Management. Talk with children calmly to learn what caused a disagreement. Then talk about ways to deal with it. Come to a solution that's agreeable to both you and the children. This helps children learn to be responsible for their behavior.
  
• Redirection. When children get rowdy, stop them, explain why you are stopping them, and suggest another activity. When they knock over paint, give them a cloth and pail of water to clean up the mess. When they race dangerously indoors, take them outside for a game of chase. When they throw books at each other, gather them for a story time or organize a beanbag toss. This works especially well with very young children.
  
• Praise. Give more attention and praise for good behavior. Don't make punishment a reward. Children who like attention may be naughty just to get attention. Protect and preserve children's feelings that they are lovable and capable. The type of discipline parents use influences the type of person a child becomes. What type of person do you want your child to become?
  

How Do Children Grow and Develop?

All children grow and progress through developmental stages. But development doesn't stop with childhood, it continues throughout our lives. All of us go through stages, some faster than others. It's important to remember that no two children are alike. Each child is a growing, changing, unique person. Some are better at doing certain activities than others.

Why is it important to know about developmental stages of growth?

When we expect something of a child that they are not able to complete, the child begins to feel badly about themselves. Children are not small adults. They do not think, feel or act as grownups do.

What Should My School-Aged Child Be Doing?

By they time a child reaches school age, the back and forth process of separating from and reuniting with parents should be, for the most part, settled. School-aged children have many tasks that include:

• Tackling school work
• Learning how to get along with others
• Learning how to get along with authority figures other than mom and dad
• Being curious about how things work
• Becoming involved in hobbies, games and team sports

During this stage of growth, most boys play with boys and girls play with girls. Children of this age are eager to please and thrive on being given responsibilities and to show us how they can accomplish a task. The early school years are the time for setting standards for work attitudes that will be of use throughout the child's life.

We encourage you to offer children experiences that fit their own maturity level. If a child is pushed ahead too soon, and if too much is expected of him before he is ready, his failure may discourage him. Providing experiences that tap into skills that the child feels confident in, as well as some new skills that will challenge him, will provide the balance of activities which will facilitate healthy growth.

A Parent is extremely permissive when he or she...

• Has few rules.
• Allows the child to do as the child pleases.

When parents are extremely permissive...

• Children are cranky, whiney. They are very aggressive and want their way all the time.

A parent is extremely strict when he or she...

• Expects immediate obedience.
• Gives no explanation for demands.
• Uses physical punishment.

A parent is moderate when he or she...

• Has rules and enforces them consistently.
• Is firm, with kindness, warmth and love.
• Takes the child's age and uniqueness into account.
• Tries to understand why the child acts the way he or she does.

When parents are moderate...

• Children are responsible and cooperative. They have good self­-concepts and are considerate of others. Moderation works well when disciplining school-age children.

If you suspect child abuse or neglect, report it to your local county Child Protective Services.

The North Carolina Affiliate of the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse
   Prevent Child Abuse
   North Carolina, Inc.
   3344 Hillsborough St., Ste. 100-D
   Raleigh, NC 27607

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TIPS FOR SHOPPING WITH CHILDREN

Before Leaving Home:

1. Discuss rules for the store. Let the child know, no junk foods, toys, etc. When we leave, you can select a package of raisins/nuts if you remember the rules.
2. Role play the shopping experience ahead of time with the child. Let him now what you expect. Have fun. Laugh. See what his suggestions would be if you were to misbehave.

At The Store:

1. Make a game of it. Who can find the potatoes first? Which blouse is the best bargain? What color does he like?
2. Count how many steps it takes to get from the Kix cereal to the Chex, or between the shoe department and the checkout counter.
3. Play a game with the child. (Let's count how many people are wearing sneakers.)
4. Play "I see something" in the checkout lane (or any aisle) and have the child guess what you see.
5. Reward good behavior. Promise to play a game with or read to the child when you get home and then follow through with your promise.

If All Else Fails:

1. Ignore inappropriate behavior unless it is dangerous, or destructive to you or to others.

What To Say (Or Do) When Parents Abuse Their Children In Public:

1. "He seems to be trying your patience."
2. "Gee it is hard to get your shopping done with small children along." 3. "My child used to get upset like that."
3. "Children can wear you out, can't they? Is there anything I can do to help?"
4. Strike up a conversation with the adult. See if you can re-direct his/her attention-away from the child.
5. "Looks like you're having a rough day." Hoping to relieve tension, and perhaps open up some communication.
6. Praise the child and/or parent at first opportunity.
7. Talk sympathetically to the child, i.e., "You're tired and really want to get out of that cart."
8. If you are concerned about the physical safety of the child, alert the store manager.
9. If you know the parent, offer to watch the child while she/he takes a break, gets a drink of water, etc.

Produced by Dr. Katherine Kersey and revised by Prevent Child Abuse, North Carolina, A Chapter of the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse, 3344 Hillsborough Street, Suite 100-D, Raleigh, NC 27607, 1-800-354-KIDS

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12 ALTERNATIVES TO LASHING OUT AT YOUR CHILD

The next time everyday pressures build up to the point where you feel like lashing out – STOP! And try any of these simple alternatives.

You'll feel better ... and so will your child.

1. Take a deep breath. And another. Then remember you are the adult ...
   
   
2. Close your eyes and imagine you're hearing what your child is about to hear.
   
   
3. Press your lips together and count to 10. Or better yet, to 20.
   
   
4. Put your child in a time-out chair. (Remember the rule: one time-out minute for each year of age.)
   
   
5. Put yourself in a time-out chair. Think about why you are angry: is it your child, or is your child simply a convenient target for your anger?
   
   
6. Phone a friend.
   
   
7. If someone can watch the children, go outside and take a walk.
   
   
8. Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.
   
   
9. Hug a pillow.
   
   
10. Turn on some music. Maybe even sing along.
    
    
11. Pick up a pencil and write down as many helpful words as you can think of. Save the list.
    
    
12. Write for parenting information: Parenting, Box 2866, Chicago, IL 60690.

CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION CAMPAIGN
MAGAZINE AD NO. CA-2835-90-7" x 10"
Volunteer Agency: Lintas: Cambell-Ewald. Campaign Director: Beth M. Pritchard. S.C. Johnson & Son. Inc.

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