I am in the process of massiving redesigning this website, and have been for over a year. Since my information is building, and I dying to have it available for the public, I have decided to just post it here in no particular order until I can organize it better. If you have information or ideas you would like posted within this page or one like it, please do not hesitate to email them to me using the link on the bottom of this (or any) page.

1. Miscellaneous Facts About Children, Adoption, and Abuse
   
   
2. Holiday Season May Cause Parental Stress
   
   
3. Parents´ Survival Tips
   
   
4. Poison-Proof Your Home
   
   
5. Top Five Ways To Stop Child Abuse In A Public Place
   
   
6. Understanding Your 8-16 Year-Old
   
   
7. Effects of Being Sexually Abused (PDF Document)
   
   
8. Indicators of Physical Abuse and Neglect
   • Behavioral And Emotional Indicators Of Physical Abuse
   • Behavioral And Emotional Indicators Of Neglect
     
     
9. Characteristics Of Abused Children
   
   
10. Recognizing and Reporting Child Abuse
    
    
11. Eight Suggestions For Improving Your Communication With Your Children
    
    
12. Praise Helps Kids With Schoolwork
    
    
13. Glossary of Terms
    
    
14. 1-2-3 Magic Stop Behaviors
    
    
15. Choices And Consequences
    
    
16. Effective Ways to Discipline School-Age Children
    
    
17. Tips For Shopping With Children
    
    
18. 12 Alternatives to Lashing Out At Your Child
    
    

FACTS ABOUT CHILD ABUSE
From: http://www.preventchildabusenc.org/

Every five minutes...

• …a child is abused or neglected in North Carolina
• In about half of the cases, these children understand abuse before they learn to read.
• 25-40 children die each year in North Carolina as a result of abuse.
• Almost all criminals report having been abused as children.
• More than 100,000 children are reported to authorities each year in our state.
• 85% of the time the perpetrator of child abuse and neglect is a biological parent.
• Parents who were abused as children are six times more likely to abuse their own kids.
• Abuse and neglect do not discriminate by social, economic, or ethnic background.

Current North Carolina Statistics

• 107,218 children* were reported as abused and neglected (SFY 2001-2002).
• 32,883 of these children were confirmed as victims.
• 24 children died from child abuse during the 2001 calendar year.

Prior Year Statistics

• 101,158* children were reported as abused and neglected (SFY 2000-2001).
• 32,581 of these children were confirmed as victims.
• 30 children died from child abuse homicide during the 2000 calendar year.
• In North Carolina, the number of children reported as abused and neglected has increased by approximately 10% each year for the past three years. Abuse or neglect is confirmed in about one-third of cases in any given fiscal year. Most confirmed reports are classified as neglect. Data provided by the North Carolina Department of Human Resources, Division of Social Services, Central Registry Reports on Child Abuse, Neglect and Dependency.

National Statistics

• In 2000, approximately 5 million children were reported for child abuse and neglect to child protective service agencies in the United States.
• Currently about 47 out of every 1000 children are reported as victims of child maltreatment.
• Child abuse cuts across all socio-economic groups, races, and religions.
• Most people who abuse or neglect their children are ordinary people whose stressors overwhelm their coping skills.
• Substance abuse, lack of knowledge of child development, single parenting, isolation, poverty, a history of domestic violence, and many other factors contribute to the likelihood that a child will be abused.
• Children who are abused are at a higher risk for crime, substance abuse, dropping out, teen pregnancy, and a host of other social ills.
  

For more information, please call Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina at 1-800-CHILDREN.

Data is provided by the North Carolina Department of Human Resources, Division of Social Services, Central Registry Reports on Child Abuse, Neglect and Dependency. Data reflected is for state fiscal year 2001-2002, unless otherwise specified. *The total number of reported children represents unduplicated counts of children.

December 1, 2001 - The holiday season is here! People are rushing to finish shopping, cooking, cleaning and decorating. Our calendars are full of social events, and sometimes we try to do too much. A poll in a recent issue of Parenting Magazine found that “more than a quarter of the population views Christmas and Hanukkah as stressful.” Over-extending ourselves causes stress, and stress can increase the risk that we will abuse our children.

When holiday stress is added to everyday stress, it’s easy to take it out on your kids. Abuse takes many forms, and its effects can last a lifetime. Harsh physical punishment, constant criticism and belittling, neglecting children’s basic needs, even isolated incidences of rejection or humiliation can damage a child. Keep in mind that holiday excitement can be stressful for kids as well as parents.

Put the following “Holiday Stress Prevention Tips” into action to make the holiday season more enjoyable for the entire family.

• KEEP KIDS ON SCHEDULE: Meals, naps, and bedtime should occur at approximately the same time each day. Well-fed and rested children are more pleasant and cooperative than hungry, tired kids. Schedule shopping trips and outings for the time of day that you and your children feel the most energetic. Bring snacks to eat while you’re away from home, as well as a bag of tricks -- include coloring books, storybooks, playdough, puzzles, and their favorite videotape.
  
  
• INVOLVE YOUR CHILD IN HOLIDAY PREPARATIONS: Encourage your children to help with shopping, baking, and gift-wrapping. At the store, discuss colors and shapes, or play guessing games. Let your kids pour and stir ingredients for cookies, make holiday cards, and put bows on presents. Kids feel important when adults encourage them to help. As kids help with holiday activities, they learn how to carry on family traditions.
  
  
• RESIST FEELING GUILTY: The holiday season is a difficult time financially for many parents. Parents have to keep up with monthly bills and buy holiday gifts. Try not to feel guilty if you are unable to meet the commercial demands of the holidays. Spending beyond your means will only increase stress when the credit card bills come in, so keep in mind that great gifts don’t have to be expensive. Take advantage of free events like the school pageant or church holiday party.
  
  
• SHARE YOURSELF WITH YOUR KIDS: You may not be able to give your kids all the material things they want, but you can give of yourself. Plan a special activity for just you and your children. Go on an indoor picnic. Make cookies or paper ornaments. If you have more than one child, set aside a special time to spend with each one.
  
  
• SET RULES AND STICK TO THEM: Discuss rules with your children and seek their input. Keep rules simple and few in number, and post them in a prominent place (like the refrigerator). Share with children the positive consequences for following rules and the negative consequences for breaking them. Be consistent in applying your rules for acceptable behavior. Children, like adults, respond best to praise, positive reinforcement, and rewards. Rewards may be tangible (stickers, trip to a restaurant) or intangible (extra playtime).
  
  
• PREPARING FOR NEW EXPERIENCES: The holidays are a time of fun events and new experiences. Children may feel stress during new activities and may express their fears through anger or misbehavior. Talk with your children beforehand about visiting Santa, attending a party, relatives coming to visit, or participating in the school play. Ask them how they feel about different activities, and answer any questions they have.
  
  
• REINFORCE GOOD BEHAVIOR: Praise encourages healthy self-esteem. Children need praise to learn appropriate behavior, so “catch” your children being good as often as possible. Reward good behavior by giving special privileges such as having a friend over for a play date. Give verbal praise, hugs, and lots of kisses. You can also give material rewards like stickers, gum, and toys to reinforce good behavior.
  
  
• KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT FROM YOUR CHILD: Learn about child development--what children are typically capable of at each stage of growth--so that your expectations for behavior are suitable. Unrealistic expectations cause stress for both you and your children and may damage your relationship. Read books on parenting and child development, talk to other parents and your doctor, and take a parenting class. It’s comforting to know that other parents experience similar difficulties with potty training, teaching the concept of sharing, dealing with teenage mood swings, and many other aspects of child-rearing.
  
  
• WHEN YOU FEEL STRESSED, TAKE TIME OUT: Put the child in a safe place such as the crib, playpen, or a childproof room. Count to ten. Take deep breaths. Think about the causes of your anger. Direct your anger at something other than your child. You can hit a pillow, take a shower, exercise, or call a friend. Ask a neighbor or relative to baby-sit.
  
  
• TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Pay attention to your own needs. Everyone functions better with adequate sleep, food, and recreation. Take the time to do something just for you: take a walk or a nap, listen to music, get a massage, take a class, or join a gym.

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Call Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina if you need to talk about holiday stress, would like FREE parenting information, are concerned about a child, or would like to get involved in child abuse prevention in your community. 1-800-CHILDREN.

PARENTS´ SURVIVAL TIPS
From: http://www.preventchildabusenc.org/

Welcome to the world of parenthood!

Why didn't people tell you there would be days when you would feel:

• old before your time
• tired before 11 AM
• too upset to think straight

Would you have believed them if they had?

Parenting is challenging for everyone, and we all need information and support during each stage of a child's growth to do the best job we can. So take a few minutes and read about how to make the rewards of parenting equal to the demands.

Birth to One Year

Learn the basics. How do you bathe a baby? Change a diaper? You can learn. Read, ask your doctor or another expert, talk to your parents and other parents.

Love your baby. Give all you've got! Talk to your baby, touch, hold, hug, kiss, smile, and enjoy! It's impossible to spoil a baby! A baby is a tiny work in progress, and it's important that your baby's early experiences are as positive as you can make them.

Discover what's what. Pay close attention to all the sounds (cooing, babbling, gurgling, and crying) that your baby makes, as well as facial expressions and body movements. Each one means something different. This is how your baby talks to you.

Always handle your baby with love and gentleness. The pressures of parenting are tremendous. It's difficult to feel patient and loving when the baby wakes you up for the third time in one night, and you have to go to work the next day. All parents need ways to relax. Don't take out your stress on your baby. Your baby is too little to understand your needs.

Toddlerhood

Take a deep breath. The assault on your house, your personal belongings . . . this, too, shall pass. Everything is new and exciting to your toddler, and your toddler needs to explore to learn.

Childproof your house. Pack away your treasures, and lock up any dangerous or poisonous items. You'll breathe a lot easier and you won't have to say "NO" as often.

Keep the rules simple and few. Kids this age can't grasp complicated rules. Your goal is to keep your toddler safe. Table manners and potty training can wait!

School Age

Show your interest. Check homework, talk about what's happening at school, let your child have friends over, and visit your child's teacher.

Talk and listen to your child.

Let kids help with age-appropriate tasks and chores.

Adolescence

Refuse to get confused. Part of growing up is acting like a two-year-old and an adult all in the same afternoon. Expect your teen to do this, and be prepared to comfort, reassure, and on occasion, look the other way.

Face the facts. Your teen will probably say "I know that" when you talk about the facts of life, but do it anyway. As the parent, you're the only one who can share the values that go with the facts.

Let your affection show. Cool the physical demonstration (especially in front of their friends), but make it loud and clear through your words and your actions that you care.

Cut those apron strings. Values that are taught from the cradle may fade away during the teen years, but they'll come back--along with grown-up children you'll be proud to know. Trust your teen to make it all the way.

Discipline

Children need discipline. Effective discipline teaches children how to avoid repeating misbehaviors and what to do instead. Spanking is physical punishment, not discipline. There are many positive forms of discipline that are more effective than spanking. A few examples of positive discipline are: using time out, establishing rules and consequences for behavior, redirecting inappropriate behavior, ignoring annoying behaviors that are not harmful to the child or others, taking away privileges, and catching your child being good whenever possible.

Discipline techniques should be appropriate to the age of the child. See the parenting section of your local book store or public library for information on child development and age-appropriate positive discipline technqiues.

Babies are never candidates for discipline or physical punishment. They're too little to understand and follow rules. They are also easily injured; never shake or hit a baby.

Like adults, children respond better to approval and affection than they do to punishment.

Children depend on you to provide structure: regular meal times, play times, and bedtimes.

Examine your expectations for your kids. There are no perfect children, just as there are no perfect parents. Parents commonly have expectations for children that are beyond their capabilities at that age. If your children consistently fail to meet your expectations, the expectations probably need changing, not the children.

Shame, rejection, withdrawal of affection, or preferential treatment of one child over another are inappropriate and ineffective ways to discipline.

Learn more about effective discipline...

If you need help . . .

Asking for help is a sign of strength. Call Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina at 1-800-CHILDREN if you feel overwhelmed. We'll put you in touch with someone who can offer support and help. Or contact your:

• Family Physician or Pediatrician
• Mental Health Center
• Health Department

If you know a parent in need . . .

• Give him or her a break. Offer to take care of the kids for a while.
• Be a good listener. Make yourself available to listen without judging.
• Encourage the parent to join a parenting support group to receive support and information. Give the parent our number to call for a referral.

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POISON-PROOF YOUR HOME

This list is provided on behalf of the North Carolina Pediatric Poison Prevention Project, which recently kicked off a yearlong campaign under the theme “Stop Childhood Poisoning…Because You Can.”

Use this checklist to poison-proof your home and "Stop Childhood Poisoning ....Because You Can."

Kitchen

• No household products, such as cleaning and dishwashing products and drain cleaners, under the sink.
• No medicines on counters or in open areas.
• All medications out of reach and out of sight.
• Child safety latches on all drawers or cabinets containing harmful products or sharp objects.
• No toxic products stored with food or in food containers.

Bathroom

• All medications, cosmetics, hair care products, mouthwash, and cleaners out of reach.
• Medicine storage area cleaned out regularly, old medicines flushed down the toilet.
• All medications in original, child-resistant containers.

Bedroom

• No medicines in or on dresser or bedside table.
• All cologne, aftershave, cosmetics, and powders out of reach.

Laundry Area

• All bleaches, soaps, detergents, fabric softeners, and sprays out of reach.
• All products in their original containers.

Garage/Basement

• Insect sprays and lawn care products in locked area.
• Gasoline and car care products in secured area or locked trunk.
• Paint, paint cleaners, and other home-care products in locked area.
• All products in their original containers.

General Household

• Storage area for medication and other products is a locked cabinet located up high.
• Plants identified and out of reach.
• Alcoholic beverages out of reach.
• Ashtrays empty and out of reach.
• Paint in good condition – no chipping or peeling.
• No mouse baits in areas where children play.

In case of poisoning, call the Carolinas Poison Center at 1-800-848-6946.

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TOP FIVE WAYS TO STOP CHILD ABUSE IN A PUBLIC PLACE

Raleigh, NC – January 10, 2001 – Its an all-to-familiar scene. You’re standing in line at a grocery store as the young parent in front of you tries to calm an impatient child while at the same time monitoring the checkout process and digging for a wallet. Too often, the scene ends in harsh words being spoken or physical force exerted on the child. As an observer, you’re left feeling embarrassed for not having intervened and frustrated for not knowing what to do.

According to Prevent Child Abuse America, 30 percent of Americans report having witnessed physical abuse of a child and 75 percent report observing verbal abuse. Yet nearly half of these Americans also report having done nothing to intervene, primarily because they did not know how to respond.

“With more than 120,000 children reported to the child protective service agencies as alleged victims of child abuse and neglect each year, there is clearly a need to educate the public on how to respond to these incidents,” says Jennifer Tolle, executive director of Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina. “People often feel helpless when they witness child abuse in a public place because they don’t know what to do. Fortunately, there are several effective and safe ways people can help.”

Prevent Child Abuse offers the following tips on how to stop child abuse in a public place:

1. Start a conversation with the adult to direct attention away from the child. For example:

“She seems to be trying your patience.”
“My child has gotten upset like that too.”
“He has beautiful (eyes).” (Get the parent to see a positive.)
“Children can wear you out, can’t they? Is there anything I can do to help?”

2. Divert the child’s attention (if misbehaving) by talking to the child.
   
   
3. Look for an opportunity to praise the parent or child.
   
   
4. If the child is in danger, offer assistance. For example, if the child is left unattended in a grocery cart, stand by the child until the parent returns.
   
   
5. Avoid negative remarks or looks. These reactions are likely to increase the parent’s anger and could make matters worse.

You can help stop the cycle of abuse by notifying your county Department of Social Services, Child Protective Services Division, when you suspect that a child is being abused or neglected. Your report can be anonymous. Child abuse rarely stops without intervention and help. It is the law that every citizen report suspected child abuse and neglect.

For more information on child abuse prevention in your community, call 1-800-CHILDREN.

Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina Prevent Child Abuse North Carolina is a statewide network of child abuse prevention and family support agencies. Our mission is to help strengthen families and communities to prevent child abuse and neglect. Our prevention network accomplishes this through public education, training, advocacy and support services for children and their families.

UNDERSTANDING A CHILD 8-16 YEARS OLD

The Eight Year Old

Physically

• growing slowly, steadily, arms are lengthening, hands are enlarging
• sometimes awkward because of uneven growth
• improved muscular coordination but still has better control over large muscles than small
• developmentally ready to see both far and near
• energetic but tires easily
• restless and fidgety

Emotionally

• very eager, has more enthusiasm than wisdom
• self-critical, is maturing in capacity for self-evaluation
• wants prestige, may seek it through boasting
• needs much praise and encouragement
• likes to giggle, does so without much provocation
• wants to be good
• may have fears

As a Learner

• more independent in reading ability; begins to read faster silently than orally
• has made gains in vocabulary, sentence structure
• can learn by rote, but learns best through activity
• becoming more interested in people of long ago and far away
• fond of comics, radio, television, adventure stories, fairy tales, singing rhythms, collections of all kinds
• likes variety in school
• likes jokes, riddles
• becoming aware of detail
• can initiate, plan activities

With Others

• likes to talk
• wants to look like others
• likes to argue
• behaves in contradictory ways, such as fighting with best friend
• dislikes being told what to; prefers subtle hints
• able to accept some responsibility
• likes to be with people
• desires approval of peers, adults
• desires to be a part of the group

The Nine Year Old

Physically

• eyes are now ready for close, detailed work
• has good eye-hand coordination; is ready for crafts, shop work, maps, other detailed work
• uses both large and small body muscles
• tends to assume awkward body postures

Emotionally

• becomes irritable, exhausted from working or playing too hard
• strives to improve skills; has spirit of competition
• makes extreme, quick emotional shifts; can swing from play to aggression from humor to hostility
• worries about health, schoolwork, report cards, failure
• annoying by small details of living, such as keeping track of belongings, being neat
• embarrasses easily

As A Learner

• desires to build body of knowledge about such things as social studies, science, sports records, television
• notices life sequence, studies people for evidence of change
• observes, thinks critically of self and world
• finds pleasure in using own skills; in reading for information, writing to communicate own ideas, organizing to improve own work
• discriminates between meanings of words
• becoming more creative in thought, written language
• compares grades with classmates; blames own poor scholarship on outside factors
• prefers reading silently for pleasure, orally for information
• often forgets to bring books, supplies from home
• prefers individual instruction from teacher
• plans activities in detail
• enjoys written work

With Others

• stresses fair play within competition; judges teachers, friends accordingly
• desires information about family background
• doesn’t stay long with any activity
• engages in more giggling, whispering, secretive conversations
• enjoys games as spectator as well as participant
• evaluates self, others by own standards; ignores adult opinions
• likes to help friends
• is rowdy and polite

The Ten Year Old

Physically

• has boundless energy
• shows increased skill in eye-hand coordination
• likes games requiring a variety of skills
• displays uneven growth of different body parts
• tires easily and is awkward and restless, due to rapid, uneven growth

Emotionally

• responds very positively with praise
• sometimes overly critical, changeable, uncooperative
• resents being nagged, condemned, talked down to
• wants security that comes from increased ability to achieve
• growing in ability to accept consequences of own mistakes
• more interested, concerned about ideas and beliefs of others than of self

As A Learner

• has broadening interests
• eager to explore
• wants to improve own ability
• enjoys realistic and factual material in books
• likes to take part in discussion
• is beginning to understand sequencing in historical events
• develops realistic sense of own strength and weaknesses
• curious about how things work
• has increasing attention span
• likes adventure

With Others

• becoming increasingly independent
• tends toward hero worship
• has strong sense of justice and honor
• interested in gangs or clubs with secret words, codes
• engages in roughhousing, pointless laughter, practical jokes, silly antics
• responds readily to affection and humor from adults
• tends to rebel at suggestions from adults
• likes games in which girls play against boys
• likes group activities
• is fundamentally honest

The 11-13 Year Olds

Characteristics

• enormous and capricious appetite
• wide range of individual difference in maturity levels, both physically and emotionally
• awkwardness, restlessness, and laziness as a result of rapid and uneven growth, self-conscious of physical changes
• opinion of peer group becomes more valuable than that of most adults
• often becomes overly critical, changeable, rebellious, uncooperative and boisterous
• interest in earning money, recognition of material value

Needs

• good nutrition, nutritional guidance
• understand of the on-coming physical and emotional changes
• warmth, affection and sense of humor from adults, not nagging, condemnation, or talking down
• chances to carry responsibility without pressure

Suggested Actions

• understand the connection between behavior and physical needs, consider this when planning outings
• give frank, matter-of-fact answers to question about physical changes and the different rates at which they occur
• be accepting of different physical states and emotional changes, give frank answers to questions
• offer alternative opinions without being insistent, be positive in feedback and accepting of differing positions.

The 13-16 Year Olds

Characteristics

• testing limits, “know it all” attitude
• vulnerable, emotionally insecure, fear of rejection, mood swings
• identification with admired adult
• bodies are going through physical changes that affect personal appearance.

Needs

• independence with guidance, allowed to make decisions
• acceptance, recognition
• non-threatening adult guidance
• understanding of sexual relationships and attitudes

Suggested Actions

• give the child choices, don’t be afraid to confront inappropriate behavior
• use humor to relax child, be patient, give positive feedback, let child know celebration is for him/her and not for accomplishments
• be available, be yourself, show weakness, strengths and emotions
• be honest with child, disclose information about self to build trust.

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Information Provided By:
    Durham Public Schools Partnership Program,
   Volunteer News,
   Spotlight on Education,
   Summer 1999

EFFECTS OF BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED

(PDF Document)

INDICATORS OF PHYSICAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT

BEHAVIORAL AND EMOTIONAL INDICATORS OF PHYSICAL ABUSE

There are several variables that will affect the child's response to abuse, and the effects of abuse on the child's development. They will also determine the behavioral indicators of maltreatment in children.

• The age of the child when the abuse begins. The younger the child when first abused, the more likely the child will have serious developmental problems from the abuse.
  
• The length of time the child has been abused. The greater the period of time the child has been abused, the more severe the developmental outcomes will be.
  
• The frequency of the abuse. The more often the child is abused, the more pervasive the effects will be.
  
• The nature of the child's relationship with the abuser. The closer the relationship of the abuser to the child, the more likely the child will be negatively affected. Abuse by a parent has the most serious conse­quences.
  
• The type of abuse. The more severe the pain and the greater the injury inflicted on the child, the more negative the psychological, as well as physical, outcomes will be.
  
• The availability to the child of support. The presence of other, non-­abusing adults who can provide proper care and nurturance, either in the home or easily available to the child, can partially mediate the negative affects of abuse.
  
• Constitutional factors. The child's basic personality and temperament can affect the outcomes of abusive treatment. Some children are more resilient than others and have unusual coping strengths. Other children are more vulnerable.

Young children who have been abused severely and at an early age may display pervasive indicators of developmental delay and abnormal developmental patterns.

• The child may be remote, withdrawn, lacking in curiosity, compliant, or detached. The child may not relate to other people.
  
• The child may whine, whimper, or cry, with no expectation that he will be comforted. The child may not look to adults for help.
  
• A state of “frozen watchfulness” has been noted in severely abused children. They remain emotionally withdrawn and uninvolved, but watch carefully what is going on around them.
  
• The child may exhibit discomfort with or fear of physical contact.
  
• Severely abused children may appear to be autistic. Many do not relate in normal ways to the people and objects in their environment. Most seriously abused infants show serious delays in all areas of development.
  
• The child may display a forlorn, clinging dependency, but may be lacking in healthy attachment to any adult, and appear unable to attach in healthy ways.
  
• The child may appear depressed, or display flat affect and lack of emotion. He may not cry or respond when in pain or when injured, and shows no enjoyment. He may not smile or play.

Preschool-age children who have been abused may display the following characteristics.

• The child may be timid and easily frightened. He may duck, cringe, flinch, withdraw, attempt to get out of the way, or otherwise exhibit fear of the parent.
  
• The child may be very eager to please, may crave affection, and may show indiscriminate attachment by becoming affectionate with any­one, including strangers.
  
• Early signs of role reversal may be present. The child may try hard to meet the parent's needs. The child may also demonstrate a clingy attachment and verbalize love for the abusing parent.
  
• The child may show physical signs of stress and anxiety, including physical illness and regressive behaviors.
  
• The child may be aggressive with other children, have temper tan­trums, may be "touchy."

The school-age child shows many of the same characteristics as the preschool child. Problems in relationships and developmental delays will be more pro­nounced the longer the maltreatment has been occurring.

• The child may assume the "adult" role in his relationship with the parent. The child is often a "little helper," who cares for the parent, demonstrates excessive concern when the parent is distressed, and is unusually compliant.
  
• The child has difficulty in relating to other children and to adults. He may be manipulative, or withdrawn and distant. He may have angry, aggressive outbursts and temper tantrums.
  
• Some abused children appear to be "hyperactive," including having an unusually short attention span, an inability to concentrate, and other symptoms of chronic anxiety. They often do not do well in school, and may appear to be "preoccupied."
  
• The child may demonstrate a fear of the parents or, in some cases, an absence of fear or concern in the face of parental or adult authority.
  
• Some children wear unseasonable or unnecessary clothing, in an ap­parent attempt to hide themselves or their injuries.

The abused adolescent may show behavior problems including:

• Lying, stealing, acting out, and other aggressive behaviors.
• Abuse of alcohol or drugs.
• Truancy, including repeatedly running away and refusing to go home.
• Generalized difficulty in entering into and sustaining interpersonal relationships.

BEHAVIORAL AND EMOTIONAL INDICATORS OF NEGLECT

Behavioral and emotional indicators can alert a caseworker to the presence of neglect in a family when there are no clear physical indicators of illness or injury.

• A very large percentage of neglected children are developmentally delayed in all developmental domains. One can determine the degree of delay by comparing the child's developmental level with expected developmental achievements for the child's chronological age. Ne­glected children may display mild to serious delays in physical/motor development, cognitive ability and school achievement, social skills, interpersonal relationships, and emotional development. Severely neglected children may develop mental retardation as a result.
  
• Neglected children are often characterized as unresponsive, placid, apathetic, dull, lacking in curiosity, and uninterested in their surround­ings. They may not approach other people, nor do they exhibit a normal degree of exuberance in their interactions. They may not play, or they may play halfheartedly. In cases of serious neglect, ''the' child may exhibit signs of depression.
  
• The child may appear to be hungry or always tired. Some older children who are inadequately fed use their own resources by scrounging for or stealing food.
  
• Some neglected children may be "out of control" due to an absence of limits from adult caretakers. They may exhibit a variety of behavior problems, anxiety, and other signs of emotional distress. At times a false bravado can be seen.
  
• School failure may be an indicator of neglect, particularly when com­bined with an inability to concentrate, falling a sleep in class, and a lack of interest in the school environment. School failure by itself cannot be considered the result of neglect, but can support a diagnosis of neglect when other indicators are also present.

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CHARACTERISTICS OF ABUSED CHILDREN

• Impaired capacity to enjoy life - the most common characteristic Identified In abused children by some researchers
  
• Psychiatric symptoms - e.g., enuresis, tantrums, hyperactivity, bizarre behavior.
  
• Low self-esteem.
  
• School learning problems - may children are placed in "slow learner", learning disability, or emotionally handicapped classes.
  
• Withdrawal - quiet, shy, extremely well-behaved children may be reacting to overly rigid or abusive discipline.
  
• Opposition - in the form of passive-aggressive behavior the child may give the impression of cooperation and a desire to please the adult, but may be subtly oppositional to the adult's wishes. The child's seeming denial of his/her own resistance makes it more difficult to deal with.
  
• Hypervigilance (paranoid) - the child behaves as if he is extremely vulnerable and must be in constant readiness for unexpected events. May be easily distracted, hears every footstep, door slam, etc.
  
• Poor peer relationships - many times parents encourage their children's isolation and distrust of peers.
  
• Psuedo-mature behavior - children may attempt to take care of adults in the home.
  
• Fear of failure - efforts to avoid failure may be intense. The abused child has typically received a great deal of punishment for failure to live up to his/her parent's unrealistic standards-. In the absence of feedback and positive messages about his/her performance, the child fails to internalize positive feelings about his/her own efforts.
  
• Tremendous need for nurturance - once children feel safe, they may exhibit a great need for physical affection and social emotional stroking.
  
• Overly compliant - children may be very anxious to please, seeking out permission before initiating any new action.
  
• Aggressive acting out - child may be overtly hostile, rebellious, physically aggressive toward other children and adults.

The specific incidents of physical assault are a psychic trauma. However, the broader picture, which may include rejection, chaos, deprivation, distorted parental perceptions, unrealistic expectation as well as hospitalization, separation, foster placement, and frequent home changes, Is in the long run more significant to the child's development..

Any particular personality trait can be seen as a symptom, a distortion, a problem, or an adaptation of the child to his environment.

*Resource: THE ABUSED CHILD: A MULTIDISCIPLINARY APPROACH TO DEVELOPMENTAL ISSUES AND TREATMENT., ed. by Harold B. Martin, Ballinger Publishing Co., Cambridge, Mass.

Child abuse and neglect rarely stop without help from outside the immediate family. All North Carolina citizens are mandated by law to report suspected child abuse and neglect to the Department of Social Services in the county where the child lives. You can make a report without giving your name.

What is Child Abuse?

Child Abuse can be defined as non-accidental injury or pattern of injuries to a child. Child abuse includes non-accidental:

Physical Abuse

Examples of physical abuse include, but are not limited to: beating, harmful restraint, use of a weapon or instrument, or actions that result in or could result in serious physical injury.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any sexual behavior imposed on a juvenile. This involves a range of activities, including fondling the genital area, masturbation, oral sex, or vaginal or anal penetration by a finger, penis or other object. It includes exhibitionism, child pornography, and suggestive behaviors or comments.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is expressing attitudes or behaviors toward a child that create serious emotional or psychological damage.

Neglect

Child neglect can be defined as any serious disregard for a juvenile's supervision, care, or discipline.

How to Identify Child Abuse and Neglect

Abuse and neglect rarely occur in one isolated incident. Usually a pattern of abusive or neglectful behavior can be observed over time. A child may not tell anyone that abuse or neglect is occurring. Children may "act out" to express their hurt and anger. Some children display no negative signs. It is important to listen carefully to children who tell you about an act of abuse, even if they say that the abuse happened a long time ago or happened to a friend.

If you observe the signs listed below, this does not necessarily mean that a child is being abused. You should, however, pay close attention to the child and see if a pattern of signs emerges.

Signs of Possible Physical Abuse

• unexplained bruises in various stages of healing (bruises will be different colors)
• self-destructive behavior
• welts, human bite marks, bald spots
• unexplained burns, especially cigarette burns or glove-like burns
• unexplained fractures, abrasions, or other injuries
• nervous, hyperactive, aggressive, disruptive, and destructive behaviors
• unusually wary of physical contact
• unduly frightened of parent or caretaker
• expresses little or no emotion when hurt
• unduly shy, withdrawn, and passive

Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse

• engages in sexual activity not appropriate for the child's age
• has a detailed and sophisticated understanding of sexual behaviors
• goes back to behaviors such as bed-wetting, speech loss
• suffers sleep disturbances or nightmares
• has pain, itching, bruising, or bleeding in the genitalia
• has venereal disease
• has frequent urinary tract or yeast infections

The sexually abused older child may:

• exhibit delinquent or aggressive behavior
• show signs of depression
• display self-injurious behaviors such as substance abuse, self-mutilation, attempts at suicide, prostitution, and running away

Signs of Possible Emotional Abuse

• speech disorders
• delayed physical or emotional development
• ulcers, asthma, severe allergies
• habit disorders, sucking, rocking
• unduly passive and undemanding
• very low self-esteem
• extremely demanding, aggressive, and angry
• antisocial, destructive
• depressed and/or suicidal
• attention seeking
• delinquent behavior, especially in adolescents

Signs of Possible Neglect

• abandonment by parent or caretaker
• unattended medical needs
• consistent lack of supervision
• consistent hunger, inappropriate dress, poor hygiene lice, distended stomach
• poor social skills
• indiscriminate with affection
• pale, listless, begs or steals food, frequently absent from school
• falls asleep in class, regularly displays fatigue
• self-destructive
  

How to Make a Report

You can make a report of child abuse by calling, writing, or visiting your county Department of Social Services, Child Protective Services Division. The address and phone number can be found in the front of your local phone book in the county government section, or by calling 1-800-CHILDREN or 1-919-733-2580. A social worker will listen to you and take down all the information you give.

It is helpful if you can share the following information:

• the name, address, and age of the child
• the name and address or the child's parent, guardian, or caretaker
• the child's condition, including the nature and extent of the injury
• any information regarding the presence of weapons, alcohol/drug abuse, or other factors affecting the social worker's safety are important

Important

• You do not need to prove that abuse has taken place; you only need reasonable grounds for suspicion.
• You do not have to give your name.
• You do not need permission from parents or caregivers to make a report and you do not need to tell them you are reporting.
• You do not need permission from your workplace to make a report, but there may be guidelines to help you.
  

What Happens After a Report of Child Abuse Has Been Made?

Children are seldom removed permanently from their homes. If Child Protective Services decides to investigate the case, they must initiate an investigation within 24 hours for abuse and within 72 hours in cases of suspected neglect. A full assessment will be made to determine future actions involving the child and the family. Help may be provided to the family in the form of counseling, referrals to other helping agencies, emergency foster care services, intensive in-home services, and/or help with housing, finances, medical needs, and child care.

When a Child Discloses

When a child tells you that he or she has been abused, they may be feeling scared, guilty, ashamed, angry, and powerless. You may feel a sense of outrage, disgust, sadness, or disbelief. It is important for you to remain calm and in control of your feelings in front of the child. Reassure them that you will try to help keep them safe.

You can show your care and concern by:

• listening carefully to what the child is saying
• telling the child that you believe them
• telling the child that the abuse was not their fault
• letting the child know that you will make a report to help stop the abuse

You will not be helping the child if you:

• make promises that you can't keep, such as promising not to tell anyone
• push the child to give you details about the abuse (your role is to listen to what the child wants to tell you)
• ask direct questions of the child (this might interfere with the investigation)
• discuss what the child told you with others who are not directly involved with helping the child

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EIGHT SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR CHILDREN  

1. Use good sending skills.
   
   
2. Use good listening skills.
   
   
3. If your child is bothering you, explain that.
   
   
4. If your child has a problem, you need to listen.
   
   
5. Ordering or threatening blocks communication.
   
   
6. Try not to deny your child's feelings.
   
   
7. Avoid judging, criticizing, blaming, shaming, ridiculing, or name-calling.
   
   
8. Listen to your child with the same respect with which you'd listen to your friend, your co-worker, or even your boss.

PRAISE HELPS KIDS WITH SCHOOLWORK
NCCU study

More praise from parents and teachers would mo­tivate children to complete school assignments more regularly, according to a recent study by a group of N.C. Central University graduate students.

About 40 students from the university's School of Education spent four months interviewing 1,063 chil­dren from the Piedmont region. They found children by far preferred verbal recognition to tangible rewards.

"That was unexpected," said Professor Pamela Gale George, who guided the study. "The most pro­vocative piece of this was that these kids are yearning for acknowledgment."

The researchers asked children ages 8 to 17 about the rewards they receive at home and at school for completing their class assignments and homework, as well as the kinds of rewards they would like if they had a choice.

They say their findings call for parents and teach­ers to better monitor whether work gets done; and to affirm its role in getting a good education.

For the questions about home, 60 percent of stu­dents said they received no rewards. Twenty percent said they were allowed play time, and 15 percent said they got regular praise from a parent. Fifty-nine per­cent said they primarily want praise from a parent.

These figures include younger children, although their second preference was for something more tan­gible, such as a snack.

With regard to school, 40 percent of the children reported they received no rewards. Fifteen percent re­ported getting teacher praise, 19 percent cited better grades and 9 percent received free time. Eighty-three percent of the children said they most valued public praise, particularly at the middle and high school level.

The study noted that many of the graduate stu­dents were surprised the children rarely saw a connec­tion between turning work in on time and earning good grades.

Professor George said schools such as Durham's Carrington Middle and Southwest Elementary, which post impressive test scores on large boards in the halls, make the connection more clear and help children feel valuable in the meantime.

Children may fail one test then make it on the board for their performance on another, so recognition isn't solely reserved for honor-roll students.

"It pays big dividends," said former Carrington Principal Nancy Hester, who helped come up with the idea. "But I'm not surprised. I like to be highlighted, and if it works for adults, it should work for children."

The study also found that girls are more likely mo­tivated by rewards involving social activities, while boys prefer independent library visits and computer time.

The researchers interviewed about the same num­ber of black and white students.

Spotlight on Education, Fall 1998
-Robin L. Reale, The Herald-Sun

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

GUIDING BEHAVIOR - he act of managing or directing another's course in reference to the personal conduct.

BEHAVE - To conduct oneself in a particular manner & esp. In a proper way

BEHAVIOR - Way of behaving, esp. Personal conduct.

CONSEQUENCES - Result; outcome

DISCIPLINE - To train or develop by instruction and exercise. Especially in self-control (punishment); training that corrects, molds, or perfects.

PUNISH - To impose a penalty for a fault or crime;

REVENGE - An act or instance of retaliation to get even; an opportunity for getting satisfaction.

SELF- CONCEPT - Personal interest in one's self

SPANK - To hit on the buttocks with the open hand. Spanking - brisk, lively

ULTIMATUM - A final condition or demand whose result will bring about a resort to forceful action.

1-2-3 MAGIC STOP BEHAVIORS

1-2-3 counting technique is deceptively simple but it works if you follow the No-Talking and No-Emotion Rules.

When a Stop behavior occurs say "That's 1" and hold up 1 finger. When he doesn't stop hold up 2 fingers and say "That's 2."

After a few more seconds you hold up 3 fingers and say "That's 3, take 5." He blew it ; you put him in a time out in his room (one minute for each year of the child's age.)

When the period is over you say nothing about the previous behavior. You remain quiet. If the child does something else, begin counting again.

Behaviors don't have to be the same. Any "offense" can be counted since children should have been explained before hand what behaviors are unacceptable. After awhile you will have control of the child after counting to 1 or 2.

If the behavior is so bad that it would be ridiculous to count 1, go straight to 3 and add more time for the seriousness of the offense (like hitting a parent).

Time between counts should be enough so the kid can shape up (about 3-5 seconds).

20 or 30 minute rule-the three counts should not exceed 20-30 minutes in total time so that parents don't lose their effectiveness with children forgetting.

When you use the bedroom as a time out space it does not have to be a sterile environment but three things are forbidden: the telephone, friends and TV/Nintendo and computer games.

When children say they don't care if they go to their room then that usually means they do care. The power is in the interruption of the child's activities.

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CHOICES AND CONSEQUENCES

Providing children choices for their behavior and consequences for those choices is an excellent technique to help children manage their own behavior. When using choices and consequences, first state the options children have and then the consequences for each of those options. Some examples are:

• "Children, you can either choose to play nicely together and share your toys, or you may choose to fight. If you choose to fight, both of you will have to take a quiet time-­out.

• "Mary, I expect you to use good table manners to eat your dinner at the table. IF you continue to act silly, you will have to leave the table. It's your choice."

Some important points to remember when using choices and consequences:

• Never use threats as choices. (Example - "If you don't leave your sister alone, I'm gonna break your neck!") Parents either can't carry threats through or don't want to.
  
• Never give ultimatums as choices. (Example - "I'll never talk to you again if you don't shut up!") Ultimatums can rarely be carried through and soon children learn your words are hot air.
  
• Never give choices when there aren't any. (Example- "Son, would you like to get your coat on now. We have to go!") If the child answers "no," but he really has to get his coat on anyway, he never really had a choice.  

Consequences must be related to the behavior
you wish to increase or decrease.

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EFFECTIVE WAYS TO DISCIPLINE SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN

Discipline is:
Helping a child to get along with family, adults and friends.
Teaching a child to behave in an agreeable way.
Helping a child learn to control behavior.
Effective discipline is helping, teaching, and learning.

• Fix-up. When children cause trouble or hurt another child, expect them to fix it up or at least try to help. If they break a toy, ask them to help you fix it. If they throw toys around the room; ask them to put them away.
  
• Ignore. The best way to deal with misbehavior aimed at getting your attention is to simply ignore it. But be sure to give attention to your children when they behave well. Children need attention for good behavior, not misbehavior.
  
• Be Firm. Clearly and firmly state, or even demand, that the child do what needs to be done. Do not use a wishy-washy tone of voice. Speak in a tone that lets your child know that you mean what you say and that you expect the child to do it. Being firm doesn't mean yelling, threatening, resigning, or taking away privileges. Being firm works for any age child and for many situations.
  
• Stay in Control. Act before the situation gets out of control, before you get angry and overly frustrated and before the child's behavior becomes unreasonable.
  
• Separation. When children irritate one another, fight, squabble, hit or kick, have them rest or play apart for a time. Being apart for a while lets each calm down. Then you can use other ways to encourage better behavior.
  
• Behavior Management. Talk with children calmly to learn what caused a disagreement. Then talk about ways to deal with it. Come to a solution that's agreeable to both you and the children. This helps children learn to be responsible for their behavior.
  
• Redirection. When children get rowdy, stop them, explain why you are stopping them, and suggest another activity. When they knock over paint, give them a cloth and pail of water to clean up the mess. When they race dangerously indoors, take them outside for a game of chase. When they throw books at each other, gather them for a story time or organize a beanbag toss. This works especially well with very young children.
  
• Praise. Give more attention and praise for good behavior. Don't make punishment a reward. Children who like attention may be naughty just to get attention. Protect and preserve children's feelings that they are lovable and capable. The type of discipline parents use influences the type of person a child becomes. What type of person do you want your child to become?
  

How Do Children Grow and Develop?

All children grow and progress through developmental stages. But development doesn't stop with childhood, it continues throughout our lives. All of us go through stages, some faster than others. It's important to remember that no two children are alike. Each child is a growing, changing, unique person. Some are better at doing certain activities than others.

Why is it important to know about developmental stages of growth?

When we expect something of a child that they are not able to complete, the child begins to feel badly about themselves. Children are not small adults. They do not think, feel or act as grownups do.

What Should My School-Aged Child Be Doing?

By they time a child reaches school age, the back and forth process of separating from and reuniting with parents should be, for the most part, settled. School-aged children have many tasks that include:

• Tackling school work
• Learning how to get along with others
• Learning how to get along with authority figures other than mom and dad
• Being curious about how things work
• Becoming involved in hobbies, games and team sports

During this stage of growth, most boys play with boys and girls play with girls. Children of this age are eager to please and thrive on being given responsibilities and to show us how they can accomplish a task. The early school years are the time for setting standards for work attitudes that will be of use throughout the child's life.

We encourage you to offer children experiences that fit their own maturity level. If a child is pushed ahead too soon, and if too much is expected of him before he is ready, his failure may discourage him. Providing experiences that tap into skills that the child feels confident in, as well as some new skills that will challenge him, will provide the balance of activities which will facilitate healthy growth.

A Parent is extremely permissive when he or she...

• Has few rules.
• Allows the child to do as the child pleases.

When parents are extremely permissive...

• Children are cranky, whiney. They are very aggressive and want their way all the time.

A parent is extremely strict when he or she...

• Expects immediate obedience.
• Gives no explanation for demands.
• Uses physical punishment.

A parent is moderate when he or she...

• Has rules and enforces them consistently.
• Is firm, with kindness, warmth and love.
• Takes the child's age and uniqueness into account.
• Tries to understand why the child acts the way he or she does.

When parents are moderate...

• Children are responsible and cooperative. They have good self­-concepts and are considerate of others. Moderation works well when disciplining school-age children.

If you suspect child abuse or neglect, report it to your local county Child Protective Services.

The North Carolina Affiliate of the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse
   Prevent Child Abuse
   North Carolina, Inc.
   3344 Hillsborough St., Ste. 100-D
   Raleigh, NC 27607

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TIPS FOR SHOPPING WITH CHILDREN

Before Leaving Home:

1. Discuss rules for the store. Let the child know, no junk foods, toys, etc. When we leave, you can select a package of raisins/nuts if you remember the rules.
2. Role play the shopping experience ahead of time with the child. Let him now what you expect. Have fun. Laugh. See what his suggestions would be if you were to misbehave.

At The Store:

1. Make a game of it. Who can find the potatoes first? Which blouse is the best bargain? What color does he like?
2. Count how many steps it takes to get from the Kix cereal to the Chex, or between the shoe department and the checkout counter.
3. Play a game with the child. (Let's count how many people are wearing sneakers.)
4. Play "I see something" in the checkout lane (or any aisle) and have the child guess what you see.
5. Reward good behavior. Promise to play a game with or read to the child when you get home and then follow through with your promise.

If All Else Fails:

1. Ignore inappropriate behavior unless it is dangerous, or destructive to you or to others.

What To Say (Or Do) When Parents Abuse Their Children In Public:

1. "He seems to be trying your patience."
2. "Gee it is hard to get your shopping done with small children along." 3. "My child used to get upset like that."
3. "Children can wear you out, can't they? Is there anything I can do to help?"
4. Strike up a conversation with the adult. See if you can re-direct his/her attention-away from the child.
5. "Looks like you're having a rough day." Hoping to relieve tension, and perhaps open up some communication.
6. Praise the child and/or parent at first opportunity.
7. Talk sympathetically to the child, i.e., "You're tired and really want to get out of that cart."
8. If you are concerned about the physical safety of the child, alert the store manager.
9. If you know the parent, offer to watch the child while she/he takes a break, gets a drink of water, etc.

Produced by Dr. Katherine Kersey and revised by Prevent Child Abuse, North Carolina, A Chapter of the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse, 3344 Hillsborough Street, Suite 100-D, Raleigh, NC 27607, 1-800-354-KIDS

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12 ALTERNATIVES TO LASHING OUT AT YOUR CHILD

The next time everyday pressures build up to the point where you feel like lashing out – STOP! And try any of these simple alternatives.

You'll feel better ... and so will your child.

1. Take a deep breath. And another. Then remember you are the adult ...
   
   
2. Close your eyes and imagine you're hearing what your child is about to hear.
   
   
3. Press your lips together and count to 10. Or better yet, to 20.
   
   
4. Put your child in a time-out chair. (Remember the rule: one time-out minute for each year of age.)
   
   
5. Put yourself in a time-out chair. Think about why you are angry: is it your child, or is your child simply a convenient target for your anger?
   
   
6. Phone a friend.
   
   
7. If someone can watch the children, go outside and take a walk.
   
   
8. Take a hot bath or splash cold water on your face.
   
   
9. Hug a pillow.
   
   
10. Turn on some music. Maybe even sing along.
    
    
11. Pick up a pencil and write down as many helpful words as you can think of. Save the list.
    
    
12. Write for parenting information: Parenting, Box 2866, Chicago, IL 60690.

CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION CAMPAIGN
MAGAZINE AD NO. CA-2835-90-7" x 10"
Volunteer Agency: Lintas: Cambell-Ewald. Campaign Director: Beth M. Pritchard. S.C. Johnson & Son. Inc.

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